Stepping Heavenward

2006-11-05

Free To Be Me

I'm unique. In more ways than one. In fact, with little surprise, there is a lot about me that it purely "Celestified". For example, (and anybody who knows me well will tell you this!) I become a very distructive person when in the presence of chocolate wrappers. I just cannot throw a whole chocolate wrapper in the bin. Instead, I shred the wrapper into little bits before throwing it out.(Much to Mum's annoyance as she goes about the house picking up stray bits!)
It's just one of those things.

Another unique thing about me is that I can never share a water bottle with another person, no matter who that person is. I would much rather let my throat become parched and stop working before...eeuw, gross...sharing a bottle. The same goes for forks and spoons.
It's just another one of those things.

I loose hair clips-- every day. Sometimes several times a day. A friend of mine has had the same pair for three five years. I have five hundred lost under my bed, around my desk, caught in jackets, lost in the grass...

As a child I had imaginary friends called Ducthidee and Doona with whom, (or so the rumour goes) I used to sit behind the couch with and have little conversations with. I've also been told that I had "Jeff and Kate the Flying Doctors" stopping in to have a visit with me and my two friends at times.

Yep. Unique alright.

Sometimes my uniqueness sets people laughing. One friend in particular has a habit of grinning quietly to herself when we are together. Once I spot her grinning away I demand "WHAT?!?" She looks at me and normally comes out with a "Oh Cel, you're great!" It takes me a minute before I realise I have done another "Celestified" thing again and we both laugh.

These are the lighter sides of me. But there are times when I am not happy with myself, and times when I simply do not like myself. I look around at the people near me and start thinking about them. I sometimes wish I could be like them. I wish I could have their personality, their way of doing things...I wish I could stand, sit, walk, talk, act, say, DO as they do. I then start trying to be more like them. I try hard to copy them, thinking that if I succeed in changing myself I'll be happier within myself and feel more accepted. I have got myself into this mind-set that they are better than me.

So far this hasn't worked, and it only ends in tears and frustration.

Why?

Because I have been striving to be somebody other than myself. I have been trying to stick a square into a circle, and it doesn't work. I have forgotten about the unique me. I have forgotten than God made this way for a reason. My faults and failures excluded...this is how God wants me to be, and He loves me like this. In fact, there are times when He probably looks down at me and laughs and thinks "There she goes again-typical Cel!"

Once I realise that I don't have to struggle and be somebody or something than I'm not, the preasure leaves. God sees me as me. He created me as me. And when I pause to think about all of this and accept it...

I am then free to be me.